Empathize
L.O.V.E. Letter – Day 7Feel it Personally
During a conversation today, when your partner shares a feeling, make an effort to think of a time when you have felt similarly. Recalling your feeling, share your empathy with them, without making yourself the center of the conversation.
“Ohmigosh, I know exactly how that feels! That’s how I spent my first year of college. I’m so sorry.”
“Wow, that’s tough. I know from experience how vulnerable that feels.”
“Good for you! That is such a great feeling when you’ve just completed big job. You worked hard and you deserve it!”
Be with the other person, holding space for their feeling.
Why am I doing this?
According to Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and the six levels of validation, the sixth and final level is “radical genuineness.” Radical genuineness is when you personally, deeply, understand and relate to the emotion someone is feeling. Often this is because you have had a similar experience and can imagine yourself in their shoes. Radical genuineness is actually empathy, because you are feeling together the same thing with your conversation partner.
Sources
(A) Validation of Emotional Experience Moderates the Relation Between Personality and Aggression Nathaniel R. Herr, Evelyn P. Meier, Danielle M. Weber, & Danielle M. Cohn
(B) Lambie, John A., and Anja Lindberg. “The Role of Maternal Emotional Validation and Invalidation on Children's Emotional Awareness.” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, vol. 62, no. 2, 2016, pp. 129–157. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/10.13110/merrpalmquar1982.62.2.0129.
(C) Kellie St.Cyr Brisini, Denise Haunani Solomon, Xi Tian. How the Comforting Process Fails: Psychological Reactance to Support Messages. Journal of Communication, 2020; 70 (1): 13 DOI: 10.1093/joc/jqz040 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/03/200326124206.htm
Valdesolo, P., Ouyang, J., & DeSteno, D. (2010). The rhythm of joint action: Synchrony promotes cooperative ability. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 693-695.
Sharon-David, H., Mizrahi, M., Rinott, M., Golland, Y., & Birnbaum, G. E. (in press). Being on the same wavelength: Behavioral synchrony between partners and its influence on the experience of intimacy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. ResearchGate
(E) Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. J Pers Soc Psychol. Dixon-Gordon KL, Peters JR, et al. Emotional processes in borderline personality disorder: an update for clinical practice. J Psychother Integr. 2017;27(4):425-438. doi:10.1037/int0000044