We all want love.
Love often seems like a mystery – when it shows up, and when it leaves. But actually, science has revealed that love is the result of very concrete, surprisingly small human actions. Most of us were never taught to do these. Yet there they are, contained within the word itself…
To LOVE better is to: Listen, Observe, Validate, and Empathize.
L is for listen.
Love starts with listening to another person.
Not just waiting for them to finish so you can talk, or saying ‘mmhmm,’ while you focus on your own thoughts. Listening to hear what they say, and what they really mean. Listening to know them better and be changed by their words. Listening because you care about the experience of another being walking this earth.
More about listening…
O is for observe.
Humans gather more than we realize through non-verbal cues.
A person’s posture, their expression, the flicker in their eye, all help us see beneath the surface. Observation is our keenest sense. Observing the experiences of another person activates our empathy, and making eye contact is perhaps the truest intimacy there is.
So say less, look more. And if you meet their eye, hold on… hold on.
More about observation…
V is for validate.
To validate is to acknowledge another person’s experience.
Validation is understanding where somebody is coming from, emotionally. It is not a question of agreeing with their feelings, or affirming that they are right. We often invalidate because it would be more convenient for us if they were having a different reaction. Don’t be mad. You shouldn’t be hungry now. Why are you making such a big deal about it??
But we don’t need to fix it; all that is needed is allowance.
More about validation…
E is for empathize.
Empathy is the heart of satisfying relationships
When we understand the perspective and share the joys and pains of our fellow human beings, we are no longer alone. Joy shared is doubled and pain shared is halved.
Because genuine and trusting relationships are the foundation of happiness and health, people high in empathy and other pro-social behaviors have consistently been found to have greater well-being. Without empathy we live in a lonely, stressful world, in which we can always fall or be attacked. With empathy, we know we are accepted and have people to lean on, imperfections and all.
More about empathy…