Listen
L.O.V.E. Letter – Day 1Listen Actively
During at least one conversation today, really tune in. Just listen to what the other person is saying without evaluating or giving advice.
1. Show non-verbally that you are listening. Try:
nodding
eye contact
leaning forward
2. Every so often, check to make sure you are understanding. Repeat back what they say, and ask:
“Is that right?”
3. Avoid changing the subject. Ask follow-up questions, to explore their experience further.
“What was that like for you?”
“How did you come to that decision?”
Keep listening for longer than normal, refraining from interrupting with your judgement or advice.
Large amounts of research has shown that Active Listening makes professionals do a better job in fields such as medicine, education, and psychotherapy. Research has also confirmed that in interpersonal relationships, Active Listening makes speakers feel more understood, more satisfied with the conversation, and experience emotional improvement when feeling troubled. (E, F)
Active Listening is typically defined to include three elements: 1) expressing interest through non-verbal cues, 2) refraining from judgement and paraphrasing what the speaker has said, and 3) asking questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate further.
Why am I doing this?
Sources
Murphy, Kate. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. Celadon Books, 2020.
(A) The closeness-communication bias: Increased egocentrism among friends versus strangers Kenneth Savitsky, Boaz Keysar, Nichola Epley, Travis Carter, Ashley Swanson. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.09.005. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology Volume 47, Issue 1, January 2011
(B) Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
(C) Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Handbook of closeness and intimacy, 201–225.
(D) Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2005). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: a daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Family Psychology, 19, 314-323.
(E) Bodie, G.D., Vickery, A.J., Cannava, K., & Jones, S.M. (2015). The role of “active listening” in informal helping conversations: Impact on perceptions of listener helpfulness, sensitivity, and supportiveness and discloser emotional improvement. Western Journal of Communication, 79(2), 151-173.
(F) Harry Weger Jr., Gina Castle Bell, Elizabeth M. Minei & Melissa C. Robinson (2014) The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions, International Journal of Listening, 28:1, 13-31, DOI: 10.1080/10904018.2013.813234