Listen
L.O.V.E. Letter – Day 2Ask Deeper Questions
The act of asking a substantial question indicates interest and care for the person you’re asking. At least once today, ask some deeper questions about any relevant topic at hand – questions about somebody’s opinions, passions, history, and hopes.
Start lightly; intimacy is built by a gradual back and forth of sharing and listening. Here are some examples using the most general of connections, the season:
“What are you looking forward to this summer?”
“Describe your ideal summer day.”
“What are some memories of summer from your childhood?”
Bonus – point out something you have learned during the conversation that you have in common. For example:
“We both have special places we’ve returned to summer after summer.”
Research by Arthur Aron has shown that by asking and responding to questions of increasing depth, even strangers in a lab setting can develop feelings of intimacy, and even love, for each other. Questions show interest, give us the opportunity to reveal ourselves, and give and receive caring. It turns out these are the ingredients for human bonding.
Make a habit of asking deeper questions on a regular basis to feel more connection with the people in your life.
Why am I doing this?
Sources
Murphy, Kate. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. Celadon Books, 2020.
(A) The closeness-communication bias: Increased egocentrism among friends versus strangers Kenneth Savitsky, Boaz Keysar, Nichola Epley, Travis Carter, Ashley Swanson. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.09.005. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology Volume 47, Issue 1, January 2011
(B) Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
(C) Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Handbook of closeness and intimacy, 201–225.
(D) Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2005). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: a daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Family Psychology, 19, 314-323.
(E) Bodie, G.D., Vickery, A.J., Cannava, K., & Jones, S.M. (2015). The role of “active listening” in informal helping conversations: Impact on perceptions of listener helpfulness, sensitivity, and supportiveness and discloser emotional improvement. Western Journal of Communication, 79(2), 151-173.
(F) Harry Weger Jr., Gina Castle Bell, Elizabeth M. Minei & Melissa C. Robinson (2014) The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions, International Journal of Listening, 28:1, 13-31, DOI: 10.1080/10904018.2013.813234