Validate

L.O.V.E. Letter – Day 5

Guess the feeling

During a conversation today, instead of reacting to what your partner says with your own point of view, pause to validate them by thinking about how they might feel.

  1. First, listen to your conversation partner, then confirm that you’ve heard accurately by repeating or paraphrasing it back to them.

    “You’ve got a huge presentation, and the inputs are late.”

    “They messed up your order, so you didn’t get what you wanted.”

  2. Then, consider how that might feel. Try to see it from their point of view.

“I’m guessing that feels incredibly stressful!”

“What a bummer, that must be frustrating!”

Of course, your conversation partner might correct you or explain it differently, and that’s okay. As long as you are showing care and respect, people will usually appreciate your validation.

Making a regular habit of validating the feelings of the people in our lives is good practice. Research has shown that emotionally validating responses from friends and family during hard times help people to manage and mitigate their emotional distress, whereas invalidating responses are rejected and can cause anger. Xi Tian, one of the authors of the study, recommends "Avoid using language that conveys control. For example, instead of telling a distressed person how to feel, like 'don't take it so hard' or 'don't think about it,' you could encourage them to talk about their thoughts or feelings so that person can come to their own conclusions about how to change their feelings or behaviors." (C)

It has also been shown that between romantic partners, the feeling of being understood mitigates the negative impact of conflicts. This means that even if there was conflict, as long as people felt that their partner got their point of view, the couple maintained satisfaction with the relationship. (E)

Why am I doing this?

Sources

(A) Validation of Emotional Experience Moderates the Relation Between Personality and Aggression Nathaniel R. Herr, Evelyn P. Meier, Danielle M. Weber, & Danielle M. Cohn

(B) Lambie, John A., and Anja Lindberg. “The Role of Maternal Emotional Validation and Invalidation on Children's Emotional Awareness.” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, vol. 62, no. 2, 2016, pp. 129–157. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/10.13110/merrpalmquar1982.62.2.0129.

(C) Kellie St.Cyr Brisini, Denise Haunani Solomon, Xi Tian. How the Comforting Process Fails: Psychological Reactance to Support Messages. Journal of Communication, 2020; 70 (1): 13 DOI: 10.1093/joc/jqz040 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/03/200326124206.htm

Valdesolo, P., Ouyang, J., & DeSteno, D. (2010). The rhythm of joint action: Synchrony promotes cooperative ability. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 693-695.‏

Sharon-David, H., Mizrahi, M., Rinott, M., Golland, Y., & Birnbaum, G. E. (in press). Being on the same wavelength: Behavioral synchrony between partners and its influence on the experience of intimacy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. ResearchGate

(E) Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. J Pers Soc Psychol. Dixon-Gordon KL, Peters JR, et al. Emotional processes in borderline personality disorder: an update for clinical practice. J Psychother Integr. 2017;27(4):425-438. doi:10.1037/int0000044