Validate
L.O.V.E. Letter – Day 6Find the Universal
During a conversation today, when your partner shares a feeling, think about how they are expressing a universal feeling or experience. Validate them by confirming how universal or ‘normal’ their feeling is.
“Your friend canceled at the last minute. That would make anybody upset!”
“You’ve got nerves about your upcoming interview. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t!”
After offering this validation, give them space to take it in.
According to Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy which first widely specified the use of validation in the practice of therapy, there are six levels of validation. They include 1) being present; 2) reflecting what you’ve heard; 3) guessing their feeling; 4) understanding based on their history and biology; 5) normalizing based on the universal. It feels comforting to have our experiences ‘normalized’ – that is, to understand that what we’re going through is common – because it replaces the fear of being cast out for being difference with the warm feeling of kinship with others with the same experience.
Why am I doing this?
Sources
(A) Validation of Emotional Experience Moderates the Relation Between Personality and Aggression Nathaniel R. Herr, Evelyn P. Meier, Danielle M. Weber, & Danielle M. Cohn
(B) Lambie, John A., and Anja Lindberg. “The Role of Maternal Emotional Validation and Invalidation on Children's Emotional Awareness.” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, vol. 62, no. 2, 2016, pp. 129–157. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/10.13110/merrpalmquar1982.62.2.0129.
(C) Kellie St.Cyr Brisini, Denise Haunani Solomon, Xi Tian. How the Comforting Process Fails: Psychological Reactance to Support Messages. Journal of Communication, 2020; 70 (1): 13 DOI: 10.1093/joc/jqz040 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/03/200326124206.htm
Valdesolo, P., Ouyang, J., & DeSteno, D. (2010). The rhythm of joint action: Synchrony promotes cooperative ability. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 693-695.
Sharon-David, H., Mizrahi, M., Rinott, M., Golland, Y., & Birnbaum, G. E. (in press). Being on the same wavelength: Behavioral synchrony between partners and its influence on the experience of intimacy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. ResearchGate
(E) Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. J Pers Soc Psychol. Dixon-Gordon KL, Peters JR, et al. Emotional processes in borderline personality disorder: an update for clinical practice. J Psychother Integr. 2017;27(4):425-438. doi:10.1037/int0000044